Your child is your greatest joy. You want what’s best for your little miracle, often spending a lot on toys, clothes, and other essentials. You want to see your child grow, reach milestones like his first words or first steps. But when your child is not acting normally, does not respond when called, or often engages in repetitive behaviors, you start to worry. You go to your pediatrician searching for an answer, and after a long time, you receive the final word. When the diagnosis “Your child has autism” comes, you’re frozen. Fear overwhelms you: “My child has autism! How do I tell him he has autism?”
Your first instinct is probably to hide the diagnosis from your kid. Not because you’re disappointed, but many parents are fearful that labeling their child as having autism spectrum disorder (ASD) will make them feel miserable. Or that they might use the label as an excuse to give up, feel broken and remote from a world that looks at them weirdly. In addition, you too try to cope with the diagnosis because it can hit hard, even if you expected the diagnosis. Many parents even stop to grieve over what the autistic child is losing or the future they envisioned for their youngsters.
You’ll always love and accept your little one, no matter what; your child might not feel the same way. Parents are well aware of the stigma surrounding “being different,” so hiding the diagnosis from others is best for the child. That is not true. Your child needs to be comfortable with himself and needs to learn about himself. When your child grows older, he’ll wonder why he is unique from his peers, why he can’t seem to make friends. One day, you’ll inevitably be asked, “Do I have autism?”
What do you tell him? How do you tell him? When can you tell him about autism? We’ll answer all your questions and help you have a conversation about autism with your child.
READ MORE: Frequently Asked Questions About Autism + Answers.
Face Your Fears
Don’t let the diagnosis of autism spectrum bring you down. Receiving an autism diagnosis is an overwhelming experience for parents, and their first thoughts are: what will others say? Many parents fear being judged by others, and telling someone about autism might feel awkward. Furthermore, you might be pressured about the “correct” time and way to discuss an autism diagnosis with your child.
But you have to work through your misgivings. Many autistic adults learn how to cope with their symptoms and live fulfilling lives. Currently, there is no cure for autism, but there are many treatment plans that can help your child learn the necessary social skills he needs to thrive. An autistic person can be successful. It’s a long and challenging journey, but it’s not an impossible dream.
Some stories show that ignorance is not bliss. There are many tales of autistic children with autism being bullied by kids at school for being awkward in social situations. It’s those children who were not informed about their diagnosis that become depressed and anxious.
Please don’t show your child that you’re anxious and upset about their diagnosis. He’ll likely pick on the emotion and picture autism as being something negative. Many parents fear that their child will not understand their diagnosis. What if your child won’t embrace new opportunities after learning about their condition? This problem is nothing compassionate parenting and patience can’t resolve. Most children encounter bumps along the way and giving them the diagnosis won’t make them more prone to experiencing blocks. By giving him this information, your child will learn to find solutions that work with his unique way of thinking, feeling, and acting. In the end, he’ll be more willing to move past these hurdles.
And then there’s the logistics of treatment. How will you explain to your child why he has so many doctors, educational coaches, etc.? Maybe they’ll even start to wonder whether they’ll die since they’ll come to the wrong conclusion about perceived differences. The diagnosis is not something you can easily hide, and it will eventually cause problems.
When to Tell?
There is no correct answer. It’s your decision when to tell, but sometimes it depends on certain factors. It would be best to consider your child’s age, intellectual abilities, language levels, social awareness, abilities, and personality. Some parents prefer to tell them at a young age or when their son or daughter becomes aware of their differences and starts asking questions. Be aware that, while your child has similar thoughts about their differences, he might not be able to express them well.
Other parents prefer to wait until the child is older when they’ll be able to understand their diagnosis better. Those who receive the diagnosis late in life might have bad experiences and be very sensitive about their diagnosis. On the other hand, the child might already know terms like autism, so you might want to offer them some more concrete information. Telling them at an earlier age is the best way to go.
Today, thanks to autism awareness, many children are diagnosed early, which leaves the parents to tell the child when he’s ready. Autistic children develop at different rates and, while a child has the maturity to process an autism diagnosis, another might not be ready until the age of eight. Monitoring and knowing your child will help you determine the right time. You know your child best, so you’ll know when he’s ready to receive the information.
It’s best if you tell them before they hear it from anywhere else or overhear something that might be about them. A child might believe that they are in trouble but don’t know why. Waiting until a negative experience occurs is not the best option. If you have any doubts, speak to your child’s specialist for support and decide on the approach.
How to Tell Them
Again, there is no right way. However, you should consider some points:
Choose the right person.
Think about who is the best person in the family that can broach the subject. It could be you or your child’s favorite grandparent or a person with whom your child feels comfortable. Or maybe you have a family friend that is on good terms with your little one. You can even involve mental health professionals, where he can reveal the diagnosis, then you can be your child’s support. An autistic child might find it hard to seek comfort from the person giving the troubling news. Having a professional can make it seem like family members are supportive and allow you to use other locations rather than home.
Choose the perfect moment.
Choose a moment when you and your child are in a good and calm mood. Unless you involve a professional into the mix, find a familiar place where you both feel comfortable. You’re about to give them new information that might be hard to process, so feeling anxious and stressed in an unfamiliar environment is not a good option.
Make it an ongoing conversation.
Make sure you won’t be interrupted. Your child will probably have many questions and need time to think, so try to make it an ongoing conversation. Also, autism is an essential topic in your child’s life, and you want to make him understand. Do not make it a long sit-down or “serious talk.” Find teachable moments to talk about autism and how it relates to his everyday life. Talk about the basics of autism first.
Most children, especially autistic, don’t like to be the center of attention, so they might be uncomfortable if you suddenly say, “Let’s talk.” Make the conversation casual so that the child feels comfortable talking to you. If your child is not opening up to you, try to approach them while walking the dog, for example. Have the conversation when doing something your child enjoys, and present the topic as if it’s not a big deal.
Allow questions.
Your child will have lots of questions about his diagnosis or go through a range of emotions. He might even have difficulties understanding his diagnosis, so you’ll need to be prepared. Answer your child’s questions as openly and honestly as possible, and don’t panic. You don’t need to have a prepared answer for everything. Children can tell when you don’t tell them the whole truth, so make sure you follow up with them in your next conversation. Always encourage your child when he’s talking negatively or doubting himself, and mention successful people with autism for positive reinforcement.
Emphasize that everyone with autism is different.
It’s important to talk about differences, strengths, and weaknesses. Don’t make the diagnosis the centerpiece of the conversation. As much as possible, try to focus on the problems your child is facing. You can try to integrate your child into a group with other kids experiencing the same struggles. Don’t blame teasing, for example, on autism. Instead, say that he experiences the world differently, and that’s okay.
Autism is a confusing diagnosis for most people because it has a wide range of symptoms. Make sure your child understands that an autistic person is unlike another one. “Once you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism” is an autism cliche. Your child will meet different autistic people and will be confused about why this happens. You can also help your child make a list of strengths so that every time they struggle with something, remind them of the area in which they excel. Point out that even if your spouse is good at cooking, your child is much better at writing.
Give them time to process.
While other children have lots of questions, others need time to think about what you’ve said. Don’t overwhelm your child by giving them too much information in one session. By making it an ongoing process, you can adjust the amount of information you share, as well as the length. Your child has moods, so maybe one day he won’t be as attentive as other days. Their reaction is also something you’d want to monitor. Check in after the conversation to see if they have any thoughts or feelings they’d like to discuss with you.
Let them know there is a large autistic community.
Your child is never alone. If he’s struggling with something, make sure he knows where he can go if he wants to talk. The child should know there are reliable adults out there that can help him overcome specific issues. There is a larger community out there where your child can interact with. Many groups are also advocates for the autism community who support and embrace autistic people. If they want to, introduce your child to the local community. It’s an excellent way for them to experience autism and create a sense of belonging.
Be positive
An autism diagnosis is not something your child should be ashamed of and shouldn’t be a secret. Some children will be concerned about their diagnosis, while others will be pleased to understand themselves better. Make sure your child knows autism is not a terminal disease but a life-long condition that is supported. Be there if your child has questions and give them control of their life.
It’s crucial to stay positive. The news shouldn’t be seen as ominous or disappointing; this could seriously impact your child’s self-esteem. Autism should be introduced as a natural variation of the human mind, which needs to be embraced and understood. Work together to provide a healthy mentality—one that can benefit you both. You’ll be amazed at how unique your child is as he grows and develops.